The front page
A frame-worthy newspaper exposé with a headline, lead story and the subject’s official position on recent allegations.
Investigative journalism. Questionable subjects.
Your pet’s alibi just collapsed.
Send one photo and answer a short interrogation. Petty Press turns your animal’s suspicious history into an absurdly professional, deeply personal exposé.
One animal. One photo. Six to eight highly relevant questions.
Evidence submitted for review
Promise 01
Built from your pet’s real lore
Names, habits, incidents, enemies and family testimony become the evidence.
Promise 02
Designed to print and share
Every digital investigation includes high-resolution and social-ready files.
Promise 03
Funny, then unexpectedly fond
The reporting is severe. The final verdict remembers why they run the house.
Inside the file
We are not selling the picture. We are documenting the legend.
A Petty Press investigation treats couch damage, snack conspiracies and mail-carrier hostilities with the editorial gravity they deserve.
The criminal file
Mugshot, aliases, previous offenses, accomplices, known hangouts and a professionally assessed threat level.
Financial disclosures
A rigorous accounting of tennis balls, contraband socks, partial treats and exactly zero liquid assets.
Witness testimony
Real family quotes elevated into grave statements from unnamed sources close to the investigation.
Timeline and verdict
The documented escalation from household arrival to total loss of authority—ending with an affectionate final ruling.
Choose your level of scrutiny
Three ways to close the case.
Each package investigates one pet. Select digital delivery, add tangible evidence or commission the full household archive.
Investigation
$39
The complete digital inquiry for one animal of interest.
- Newspaper front page
- Criminal dossier
- Pet ID card
- Social-ready edition
- High-resolution printable files
Most complete physical file
Case File
$69
Digital evidence plus professionally produced physical copies.
- Everything in Investigation
- Printed newspaper exposé
- Physical collectible ID card
Archive Edition
$99
A display-ready record for the household archives.
- Everything in Case File
- Premium framed front page
- Complete printed case file
- Collectible cards
Breaking
Authorities are ready to review your evidence.
Submit a photo, answer the interrogation and let Petty Press establish what your family has suspected for years.